Alabama Divorce & Family Law Attorney Blog : Birmingham Divorce Lawyer & Attorney : Eversole Law Firm : Serving Birmingham, Montgomery, Mobile Alabama

As most of you know Britney Spears and her former husband K-Fed, are in a bitter custody dispute.  K-Fed is attempting to modify the previous custody agreement.  Today, the judge ordered Britney to undergo testing for controlled substances and alcohol, after finding Britney has engaged in continuous and frequent abuse of alcohol and drugs. If Britney keeps this up she will lose custody of  her kids.  It is a shame because we all know K-Fed is really after child support.  The judge also ordered both Britney and K-Fed to complete a Parenting Without Conflict program. He also ordered that neither parent shall consume alcohol or other non-prescription drugs, for a 12 hour period previous to a time when either parent has responsibility for care and custody of their children.

This case is an excellent example of children being used as a battering ram in a divorce proceeding.  Unfortunately, this kind of thing is not uncommon.  K-Fed is using the children to obtain more child support money from the divorce.  This kind of tactic only ends up hurting your children, and yourself in the long run.

This case should also illustrate, that if you are engaged in a divorce or custody battle you should refrain from using alcohol or drugs pending the outcome of the proceedings.  If you are using any kind of drugs or alcohol during a child custody proceeding or divorce, you are simply giving the other side ammunition to attack your credibility, morals and fitness to take care of your children(whether this is fair or not, it is the truth).

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During a divorce, parents often feel they are victimizing their children by going separate ways.  Remember that you chose to get a divorce because you believe it is the best move to preserve your emotional welfare, as well as that of your kids.  You have weighed the pros and cons of your decision and you should make sure the goal of providing the very best environment for your kids remains your focus.  You are dealing with uncomfortable emotions right now, but don't lose faith in your ability to be the best parent a child can have. You have decided to be strong for them, so don't drop the ball on a few critical components of healthy living.  You can do this! 

At a time when your self confidence may be taking a major hit, invest yourself in maintaining the structure your kids currently have at home.  Kids tend to be unnerved by dramatic changes in their daily schedules.  Though you will be dealing with custody issues, and your children will be acclimating to the concept of having two homes, maintaining stability in your child's life is still possible.  Stability for your children begins with their schedule and their environment.  Children need to be able to predict when, and where they will be going, and what they will be doing. Don't abandon bed time routines, sit down dinners, after school activities, homework rules, etc.  These routines provide consistency for children, which is comforting.

Consider posting your child's schedule on the refrigerator so that he/she can take ownership of daily activities.  For young children, it may help to take photos of the various environments and people they will be visiting during the day so it is easily understood.  This can be a project you do together, and it's fun!!  Don't necessarily become obsessed with sticking to a regimen, just understand the value of consistency and stability.

Even if you have a shared custody situation, you are essentially a single parent during the times your kids are with you.  It's not uncommon to find it rather difficult to keep the house orderly, backpacks organized, etc.  Remember that you are not Superman, and you shouldn't feel poorly about yourself for having difficulty with some of these issues.  Consider hiring someone to clean your house or cut your grass.  It will probably be the best money you spend on yourself each month, and will probably significantly reduce your stress.  Purchase some baskets and bins to sort toys, clothes, and other items.  Your children will take pride in helping you, and will be excited about their newly navigable rooms.  And finally, remember that with change, comes new opportunities.  Keep your chin up and stand behind your own decisions.  Your strength will wear off on your children. 

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A great resource for parents going through a divorce, Breakthrough Parenting offers some interesting insights into better parenting.  They offer help for divorcing parents and offer classes in becoming a certified parenting coach.  In today's world, we cannot do everything alone.  This website gives parents some much needed advice. Dealing with your children who often do not understand the situation is very hard.  While we cannot eliminate these kind of stresses, my firm tries to limit them.  We are here to help you through this very difficult time.  I want my office to be more than just a law firm.  When you retain my firm we are here through thick and thin, to the very end, and we are on call 24/7.

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DivorceSupport.com is a fantastic resource for people facing divorce.  The website has excellent Alabama divorce specific information.  They have articles on Alabama divorce, child support and child custody, residency requirements, grandparents rights and military divorce laws.  When you are going through a divorce you need as much information and support available.  My firm tries to provide you with the resources to make this process as simple as possible .  We also strive to give you all the information you need during these troubling times.  Knowing how the divorce or child custody process works will give you a certain amount of comfort.  I encourage my clients to learn as much as they can about their divorce and related issues.  The Internet is an amazing resource and should be used accordingly.

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Sometimes divorce is a necessary means to achieving a happier life.  While we provide services that enable you to start a new life, we also try to acclimate you and your children to these changes. My practice attempts to minimize the impact a divorce has on you, and your children. You can find valuable resources about dealing with your children at childrenanddivorce.com that may aid your child during a divorce.

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Parents often have a difficult time dealing with the time constraints divorce places on their lives.  Juggling schedules during a marriage is hard, and when children are involved, it gets harder after divorce.  Divorce is an emotional and draining experience, especially during the holidays or during vacation time.  Here is a list prepared by divorcenet.com on ten tips to a relaxing vacation or holiday. 

I believe tip number ten from the above list is one that applies to more than just holiday and divorce scheduling, and is perhaps the best means to having a better life after divorce. Let the children love you ex-spouse, move on with your life, and try not to harbor ill feelings.  I realize that is easier said than done and that sometimes it can take years to get over the negative emotions involved with your ex.  But without fail, the ones who have moved on and no longer feel anger towards their ex-spouse are resoundingly the happiest. 

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It seems that every year more and more parents ask me for advice regarding how to address the issue of divorce with their children.  Several factors must be considered, including the child's age, functional ability, personal strengths and weaknesses.  The first year after divorce is the most difficult because a great deal of what was once considered, "normal life" is changing for your children.  It is stressful on parents, but the negative effects on children can be buffered with smart parenting.  Get with your spouse and set some basic ground rules.   Rule number one,  Never argue with, or degrade your ex in front of the kids.  The best protection that you can provide for your child during your divorce is your own personal love and attention, combined with smart parenting tactics that have your child's social/emotional health at the forefront.  Two great articles addressing divorce with children www.nasponline.org/resources/parenting/divorce_ho.aspx , and divorce in blended families http://apahelpcenter.org/articles/article.php?id=41 , are recommended readings. 

Books for kids: 

"Was It the Chocolate Pudding?" A Story for Little Kids About Divorce by Sandra Levins (ages 2-6)

"I Don't Want to Talk About It":  A Story About Divorce for Young Children by Jeanie Franz Ransom

Ginny Morris and Mom's House, Dad's House by Mary Collins Gallagher

My Parents are Divorced Too:  A Book for Kids by Kids, Second Edition Melanie, Annie & Steven Ford as told to Jan Blackstone Ford

"What Can I Do?"  A Book for Children of Divorce by Danielle Lowry

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